Scanxiety

To help everyone understand the thoughts that go through a cancer patient/survivor's head, I found the perfect description. This was in the article that I read with Jacqui while waiting for my CT scan last week. Scanxiety by Bill Feiler, Time Magazine, June 2, 2011.

Scans are like revolving doors, emotional roulette wheel that spins us around for a few days and spits us out the other side. Land on red, we're in for another trip to Cancerland; land on black, we have another few months of freedom.

This last scan I landed on the red. A golf ball size mass is wedged inbetween layers of muscles in my back. Not a very comforting place when I already am low on available sleep time.

As my scans approach, I become increasingly wary and deliberate in my actions. I put off major decisions until after I hear the results. My breathing gets tighter. And those regular drives to the clinic are among the most tense I have - though there's nothing I can do at this juncture to affect the outcome.

When the car door shuts and my hand extends the key towards the starter, I know my pulse in increasing exponentially. I like to go to the Outpatient Center by myself. I don't like to feel obligated to talk to anyone or express my feelings in the war-time setting. I find myself sitting in the hot saturn after I get to the lab. Even with the car not having operational A/C, I remain in the car.

I meet with Dr. Stephenson again on Tuesday. The appointment on Friday didn't accomplish much. He wants to see the scans before he decides what we are going to do. There are two real possiblities. The more desirable of the two is a lymphocele, or a fluid filled lymph node that isn't draining. That would hopefully only require one draining. Of course the worse of the two options is the one that occupies most of my thoughts. That it is cancer again. This time its come with a sucker punch. This tumor is bigger than the first one, and is in a extremely difficult spot to operate on. Dr. Stephenson suggested that after looking at the scans and getting the bloodwork results back, and it happens to be cancer, we would begin chemotherapy this week. It sure does put a wrench in the plans that I have. After chemotherapy then we would see if surgery is needed to remove the mass. Because of the location, there would be extensive physical therapy needed. Not only for my back, but also walking and running. The muscle that it decided to be by is a crucial on for everyday tasks.

Towards the end of the appointment, I expressed to Dr, Stephenson that I would like some pain medication. I showed him where the pain was. I thought since he wanted to see me on Tuesday that he would give me enough Percocet to get through the weekend. He gave me way too much. I should be back sometime tomorrow night to get more written about the treatment option we decide.