As I was getting ready to go in to work today, I caught a glimpse of my tub of pomade that Jacqui bought for me. Its crazy how something so simple can bring back a flood of memories of a previous life. I say it that way because I know I will not be the same person before chemo as after. There are things that have changed. Prior to my first round of chemotherapy, things weren't going all that well. I was extremely stressed and anxious. Its hard for someone that hasn't personally gone through chemotherapy to understand the emotional toll that cancer takes. I have said this a million times. A basic nutshell of events that led to my emotional change include, losing a testicle, getting behind in school - twice, moving in with the in-laws, losing a large amount of weight - twice. On the surface these things look superficial. Being the person that has to go through them, they are actually more involved than they seem.
It was a rare case that when losing a testicle testosterone production goes down. Well, that happened to me. The biggest thing that I have notice, and my wife can confirm, is that I get very irritated easily. This cancer has effected my relationship with my wife, my family, and everyone that I work with. The day that Jacqui called me when I was at work sometime in the end of June or early July, which never happens, was the day that I knew there would be someone else counting on me graduating from UVU and obtaining an adequate career. It was more than just providing for Jacqui. I now had someone that couldn't do anything on his/her own. When the words "you have cancer" came through that phone, I didn't know what that meant. Was I going to die? What about Jacqui, what about the baby? What about paying the bills? Having the mental ability to go to school and work, but lacking the physical ability was hard to swallow. I was going to have to learn to lean on others and let them help me. Surgery after surgery, and chemo and the wonderful side effects that come with it, caused me to drop two semesters worth of classes. I had a goal, to be done with school before Avery goes to pre-school. I want to be able to work while she is at school, and spend the afternoons and evenings with her and Jacqui. This just means I will have to work harder to get through school.
At the time the decision was made, I had no cancer. I was a survivor still inside the first year. There was a silent relief when I found out that I relapsed and I did have cancer. Not having to pay rent or utilities was sure a weight taken off. I don't know what I would have done to get through it. I am grateful to Val and Marilyn to their support and all the things that they have done. I have heard from numerous people and articles that those that exercise regularly and maintain a healthy weight are happier people. When the cancer treatments started, I had a steady decline in my physical activity. Not being able to eat has caused its own problems and weight loss. I was skinny for far too long through high school. I started to gain some weight, got comfortable with my body image and then lost the associated increase in confidence when I slid backwards. I have heard some people tell me they wish they could lose 20 pounds in a week. No you don't. Not how I lost it.
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