I thought that I would share a few things, perhaps unpleasant and depressing, however, I need to get them out here, to release them from my own mind. Maybe it can help someone else dealing with cancer, whether directly or indirectly understand my feelings and compare theirs with mine. Maybe there is something in common among cancer fighters/survivors.
5/27/11
School is going slow. It has been 6 years since HS graduation. I should be done... [Along the male Utah timeline, 4 years of undergraduate study and 2 year LDS mission] Instead I have been coasting along. Half way done with school, in an ok job, living with my in-laws, a cancer survivor - if I am even in this category yet. I'm half the man I used to be, and not just physically. I was strong, smart, funny and emotional for all things that can be passionate. Instead, I sleep a lot more, my grades slid, my motivation is down. Sometimes the only thing that makes me happy is seeing my ladies sleeping... That way there is no way to upset them, disappoint them, or annoy them.
6/1/11
My cancer is going to be with me forever. I thought I could outrun it. That ugly word seemed like a ton of bricks. I am getting better, but they don't think so. I am going today to get more blood work and x-rays. I hate that building. My back aches and I get shaky and annoyed with phantom pains.
I have come to realize that the cancer isn't going to kill me. It will drive me nuts instead. I can't bear to see myself unable to care for my wife and daughter. The imbalance is hard to predict. I have good days and not so good. Certain activities or words set me off.
In light of all these predominately negative feelings that I have been having lately, there is a change that I have seen to make things better.
Cancer isn't all fun and games. There is a serious aspect to it that cannot be ignored. I look at the people around me that don't know whats going on. Can they tell what has happened to me? Am I the example of a cancer fighter/survivor that I would want to see?
Dustin,
ReplyDeleteI'm a silent observer from a distance. My heart aches with you as you go through this. You've been in my prayers.
It is important for you to know something important. For those of us who do know what you are going through, you are an exceptional example of a fighter and survivor. Those of us that are watching you and are concerned for you probably don't express often enough how awesome you are! Keep up the good example. You are an inspiration!
We may not completely understand all of your personal feelings and struggles. How could we? Only those that have shared your experience can truly empathize with every emotion. Just know that those that love you are inspired by your efforts and are cheering you on with smiles and prayers.
Tom H.